Impact

When I grow up I want to have as big of an impact of this man named David. I didn't know him well, but I feel like I know him through all of the stories shared by those close to him at his memorial. I rely heavily on people's vibes/energies and he was a kind soul. He made everyone feel welcomed and he pushed them to try new things outside of their comfort zone. He was a shoulder to cry on, he encouraged people and kept them level headed. I'm sad that I didn't get to know him better before he passed. 

I've said for the longest time that I just want to make an impact on the world. I want my life to have meant something to someone. I volunteer for pride for personal reasons, but I also do it because it's necessary. The first time I went to the pride march I got this overwhelming feeling of belonging. The energy of the event made me feel complete and I knew I had to be a part of it. The next year I looked into how to volunteer and just did it. It has now become such a huge part of my life and I wish everyone could experience this. I think everyone should be able to feel this complete at least once in their life. The people I have met through pride have been so good for my soul. They are unique, they are genuine (most of them), and they are my tribe. 
 

Time to Heal

I’m struggling with my mental illness and I don’t know how to go on anymore. I think the first part of the healing process is to admit that there is a problem. Honestly? I’ve been struggling with this for a really long time. A few months ago I moved to the city I have always dreamed of living in. That should have made me the happiest girl in the world. It didn’t. I thought it would fix how I was feeling inside. It didn’t do that either. I’m so good at playing pretend that I was even able to fool myself at times. Social media posts are a great way to throw people off your trail. I always say that I’m pretty open about my mental illness. I think that if people were open about their struggles, more people would feel comfortable coming forward. I sort of feel like a fraud. I don’t think there is one person who knows how miserable I truly am. I keep throwing myself into things to cover it up. If I stay busy then no one will be able to tell. I’ve told people that certain things make me happy so they don’t worry too much. The truth? Nothing makes me happy anymore. That’s so scary to admit.

I spend most of my time with the cutest kid in existence. While spending time with her makes living tolerable, it doesn’t make me happy. How fucked up is that? I love that kid more than anything. She’s my absolute favorite human and spending time with her doesn’t make me happy. If that can’t make me happy then I don’t know what can. Medicine probably. I’ve tried them before with mixed results. The first one I tried worked until a few months in and then it stopped. Then I tried another one that made my anxiety worse. So the doctor prescribed a combination of the two that had some nasty side effects. She said to half the dose of the anxiety reducing medicine and live with the pain. Really? That was super productive. I was so frustrated that I just stopped taking both of them and never went back to the doctor. Not my smartest idea. You see I suffer from depression because of a chemical imbalance in my brain. I need a medicine to manage the imbalance for me. Its been about two years since my last dose of medicine. Two long years of trying to do this by myself. I’m surprised its taken this long to reach my breaking point.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to kill myself. I’m not going to get into the reasoning why at the moment, but that’s not on my radar. I finally realized that I can’t do this alone anymore. If that wasn’t enough of an indicator, I had a breakdown while trying to find a doctor. A literal hysterically crying on the phone with the representative, hyperventilating kind of breakdown. I actually feel bad for the woman that helped me because I could tell she was concerned. Hell I would be too if a hysterical woman called asking for the information of psychiatrists. I’m currently waiting for a clinic to call me back to see if I can get an appointment. I don’t know why this is so hard. Its. So. Hard. At least I’m trying now. That’s something.
 

Things I, a Clinically Depressed Individual, Do Not Want to Hear

Its not a secret (although maybe you don’t know) that I suffer from depression. I try to be as open about it as possible because the more people talk about it, the less stigma it should have. I’ll gladly answer questions to help people better understand the struggle. Everyone is different, but there are a lot of things that we have in common. I understand curiosity, but there are some things I hope I just can’t accept

Things I, a Clinically Depressed Individual, Do Not Want to Hear
(In no particular order)

You don’t look depressed

Thank you? I’m not sure exactly what my inner struggle is supposed to look like on the outside. Please know that everything you see on TV is not accurate. Yes, SOME people with depression look terrible. I, like a lot of people, have gotten really good at hiding it. I have struggled with depression since I was 11 which means I have been dealing with this for more than half of my life. In order to make it this far I had to learn to play pretend. I have to be able to maintain a job and that would be hard to do if I let the negativity show on my face all of the time. I’ve spent year perfecting my “everything is okay” face. Think of it in terms of being an actor. If an actor played a role for almost 15 years then they better be pretty damn good at it

Did your parents do something wrong?

No. This is an issue with my brain and not with how I was brought up. My psychiatrist said I could have had the perfect life and I still would have been depressed. I didn’t start admitting that I was depressed to other people until a few years ago so its not like they could have known. As far as they knew I was just another miserable teenager. I didn’t start being open about the illness until a few years ago. I’m pretty sure there are still family members who don’t know. Surprise!

Why are you sad?

I don’t know. There are times when something specific will set me off and there are times when it just happens. 

Just be positive

This one frustrates me a lot. Don’t you think I want to have positive thoughts? I can try to think of happy things as much as I want and it won’t change anything. I describe my depression as a sort of cloud or fog. I wander through not able to see where I’m going and trying not to get hurt. My brain didn’t come with fog lights.

Get over it

Yeah, okay. I’ll just do that since its so easy. I haven’t tried that before. You’re so smart!
Other people have it much worse
This statement makes me feel awful. I am aware that I am a fortunate person. I have a job, I can pay my bills, I have friends, I have a place to live, and I have food to eat. I get that. I feel guilty enough about everything. I don’t need any more guilt or negativity added to my plate. Telling me other people are worse off than I am which means I should be happy makes me feel selfish and stupid. 

Be happy! I don’t like it when you’re sad

That is wonderful for you! Again, if I would turn it off if I could. I learned a long time ago that people don’t like me when I’m sad. Hence why I learned to play pretend. I try to spare my friends from hanging out with Debbie Downer. Sometimes I have to cancel plans at the last minute because I can’t handle the production.  In the beginning I would make up excuses that sounded legitimate. It was exhausting trying to remember all the little excuses so now I tell people that I can’t do it. I understand that it is a natural instinct to ask why, but “I just cant” is your cue to stop asking. Badgering me isn’t helpful

So does that mean you’re going to kill yourself?

No, I am not going to do that. I’m not going to lie to you and tell you I don’t think about it because I think about it every day. I think about how worthless I feel all of the time and I think about how to get it to stop. Then I think about all of the people who would still be alive if they had the choice. I don’t want to be selfish and take my life when I know people who have had theirs stolen. I’ve tried it before and instantly regretted it. I’m not going to go into the story here. If you want to know then you can ask, its not a secret. I am going to keep fighting for now and the foreseeable future. There is too much I have to teach E-Slice about being cute. I can’t be favorite aunt Brittany if I’m not around anymore.

I don’t believe you

I get this reaction more than you would think. I don’t care if you believe me. I wouldn’t make something like this up. Do you know how much better my life would be if I was lying about this? I would have so much energy! I wouldn’t get so exhausted by my job that requires me to be pleasant for eight hours a day. I would be able to find joy in so many more things. I would be able to sleep for more than two hours at a time. I would be able to make decisions. I wouldn’t cry for no reason. It would be awesome if it actually worked like that. Just for the record…it doesn’t

I do want to hear that you’re willing to listen. I need to hear that you won’t hold this against me. It would be nice to hear that you care. I don’t think that’s asking for too much