Journey to the Center of the Shrink

I'm pretty open about dealing with depression on a regular basis. That’s taking it lightly. I’ve been clinically depressed for more than half of my life even if I didn’t acknowledge it until a few years ago. It has more or less just been something that I deal with on my own because it’s not easy to ask for help. I’ve been through several therapists in the past. The first one was a counselor at the school I attended. I just wanted someone to tell me that I was right all of the time, so I lied to her. Most of what I told her was true, but I embellished at times to make myself look like the good guy. I didn’t really talk to her about anything other than my roommate problems anyway. When I returned home from school I figured I should find someone I could be honest with. I found this woman that accepted my insurance and made an appointment. I think most therapists ask you to talk about yourself and your past so that they can get to know you. I delved right in to the things that happened in my childhood that had gotten me to where I was. The last thing I wanted was someone to look at me with pity and yet that’s what I got from her. I needed support, not someone to tell me how awful my life was. I think we lasted about four sessions. (Side note: she tried to add me on LinkedIn because apparently, she’s some life coach. Give me a break lady.)

I waited a number of months before I decided to find another therapist. I essentially picked the first person listed on the insurance website that was located nearby. She had this office in a building full of offices that was pretty plain. I think she had one painting of a flower as the only decoration. I gave her my background and a bunch of the things that I have been through and her response was, “That’s fucked up!” I don’t know why but it was so refreshing to hear someone say that. We spent months working together and while things seemed okay, something was still off. I had a hard time finding joy in things and knew that it wasn’t the way things should be. Since my therapist was a psychologist and not a psychiatrist, she suggested I ask my primary care doctor about antidepressants. I told my doctor what my therapist recommended and walked away with a prescription and the platitude to change my diet and that might help. The first round of antidepressants was okay. It worked for about a month and a half and then I no longer saw any benefits. I went back to the doctor with this information and she said that I should see a psychiatrist because they would be able to prescribe a better option. I asked my therapist for a recommendation and she gave me the number of a psychiatrist located at the nearby hospital. I spent maybe an hour with the woman and she diagnosed me with clinical depression. She said that the issue is a chemical imbalance in my brain. I could have had a perfect life and I would still be depressed. It just so happens that I didn’t have a perfect life. She prescribed me the generic version of Wellbutrin to try out. In that first month my depression got better but my anxiety spiraled out of control. The next time I spoke with her, she said that increased anxiety was a common side effect, so she prescribed Lexapro as well to help with my anxiety. Taking both of those medicines together led to this weird side effect where my jaw would hurt. I wouldn’t have to be doing anything strenuous and it would throb. The psychiatrist suggested that I take half of a Lexapro pill to see if that made it better, which it did. The pain never fully went away though, so I decided that I didn’t want to take the pills anymore. You aren’t supposed to just stop taking an antidepressant, but I figured that it wouldn’t matter since I hadn’t been taking them long. My therapist wasn’t thrilled about it, but she couldn’t make me take the pills. Shortly after stopping the medicine I got a new job and could no longer fit therapy into my schedule. It wasn’t my brightest move, but at the time I thought I was doing the right thing.

I went years without therapy because by the time I found the time to fit it into my schedule, I didn’t have the greatest insurance. I went through several really dark periods including one where I would cry every night that I needed an antidepressant to make it through. It’s harder than you would think to find a psychiatrist. I had many calls and emails that went unanswered. It’s extremely frustrating to finally admit that you can’t do it on your own and then not be able to find anyone willing to help. 

I thought that maybe I could benefit from a remote sort of therapy. One where I didn’t have to travel to be able to talk to someone. I had heard of talkspace on a podcast, but kind of brushed it off. I don’t remember what the final push was, but a few months after hearing about it I decided to give it a shot. When you sign up they give you some questions to sort of asses what kind of therapist would work the best for you. Then they evaluate your answers and give you a selection of four different possibilities. You can read the therapist’s profiles to see if their style matches what you are looking for. The first four I was given didn’t really seem right to me, so I asked to be matched again. I’m not sure if it was a glitch or something that constantly happens, but my second round of four matches included one of the matches from the initial set. That was a little off-putting to me because I already said I didn’t want to work with her. None of the matches seemed like a perfect fit, but I decided to give one of them a try. I’m really glad I did because it has worked out wonderfully for me. I selected the program which makes sure my therapist checks in with me at least once a day. Although on most occasions she will check in twice a day which I really like. I also really like that I don’t have to wait a whole week to be able to talk about something that has happened. It’s harder to remember details if you have to wait days before you can talk about them. As soon as I feel something I can open the app and write to her. We’ve been working on how I deal with my feelings and on being more vulnerable which is harder than it sounds. I highly recommend the service.

I believe that every single person in existence can benefit from therapy and it doesn’t have to mean that something is wrong with you. Everyone needs an impartial person that they can talk to who will tell them when they’ve done something in an unproductive way and support them when they do something right. Let’s be honest here, most of your friends are going to build you up like you’re right even when you’re the one in the wrong. I also support the use of antidepressants if they are helpful to you. I choose not to use them because I’m not good with remembering to take pills and they are pills I would need to take for the rest of my life. I also seem to be really susceptible to side effects, so I don’t want to take any more pills than I have to. That could be a totally made up thing, but I believe it and that’s what matters. 

Therapy is a very personal journey and it can take time to find the method that will work with you. Do I wish I didn’t have to try out so many options before finding my ideal fit? Sure, that would have been nice. I’m happy that the options I tried allowed me to figure out exactly what I was looking for. It is not perfect by any means, but for now this is what works for me.

Instructions Not Included

I'm currently trying to figure out a way to navigate a relationship without letting my depression take over. This is the first relationship I have been in since I came to terms with my mental illness a few years ago. This is a big adjustment for me because now I have to consider someone else’s feelings when I make decisions. Okay well, I don’t HAVE to consider someone else’s feelings, but I’ve started doing it automatically. I don’t  think of it as a bad thing; its just different.

Right now we’re in the process of meeting each others friends which should be great. The issue I’m having stems from my social anxiety which makes me kind of awkward. Meeting new people completely throws me off of my game. It can be worse when I know I’ll have to see the person again. Add in the desire for them to like me and it makes me a big bundle of nerves. I’m sure its not out of the ordinary for someone to be super nervous, but its pretty new for me. I usually don’t have a problem talking about myself, yet in these situations I feel really awkward about it. I fall into self deprecating mode and think that nothing I do is worth mentioning. I’ve been in sort of a standstill lately and I don’t know the right way to describe it to other people. I’m not sure how open I should be about it. I mean how would you feel if the first time you meet someone they say, “I really like to create things, but I haven’t done that in a while because I suffer from clinical depression and my dark cloud wont let me”. Some might find that to be a little unsettling. 

I’m sure I am overthinking this way more than I need to. I’m not sure how I should be handling this. Every situation has its own little quirks so is there a right way to do this? I’m a little out of my league here.

Time to Heal

I’m struggling with my mental illness and I don’t know how to go on anymore. I think the first part of the healing process is to admit that there is a problem. Honestly? I’ve been struggling with this for a really long time. A few months ago I moved to the city I have always dreamed of living in. That should have made me the happiest girl in the world. It didn’t. I thought it would fix how I was feeling inside. It didn’t do that either. I’m so good at playing pretend that I was even able to fool myself at times. Social media posts are a great way to throw people off your trail. I always say that I’m pretty open about my mental illness. I think that if people were open about their struggles, more people would feel comfortable coming forward. I sort of feel like a fraud. I don’t think there is one person who knows how miserable I truly am. I keep throwing myself into things to cover it up. If I stay busy then no one will be able to tell. I’ve told people that certain things make me happy so they don’t worry too much. The truth? Nothing makes me happy anymore. That’s so scary to admit.

I spend most of my time with the cutest kid in existence. While spending time with her makes living tolerable, it doesn’t make me happy. How fucked up is that? I love that kid more than anything. She’s my absolute favorite human and spending time with her doesn’t make me happy. If that can’t make me happy then I don’t know what can. Medicine probably. I’ve tried them before with mixed results. The first one I tried worked until a few months in and then it stopped. Then I tried another one that made my anxiety worse. So the doctor prescribed a combination of the two that had some nasty side effects. She said to half the dose of the anxiety reducing medicine and live with the pain. Really? That was super productive. I was so frustrated that I just stopped taking both of them and never went back to the doctor. Not my smartest idea. You see I suffer from depression because of a chemical imbalance in my brain. I need a medicine to manage the imbalance for me. Its been about two years since my last dose of medicine. Two long years of trying to do this by myself. I’m surprised its taken this long to reach my breaking point.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to kill myself. I’m not going to get into the reasoning why at the moment, but that’s not on my radar. I finally realized that I can’t do this alone anymore. If that wasn’t enough of an indicator, I had a breakdown while trying to find a doctor. A literal hysterically crying on the phone with the representative, hyperventilating kind of breakdown. I actually feel bad for the woman that helped me because I could tell she was concerned. Hell I would be too if a hysterical woman called asking for the information of psychiatrists. I’m currently waiting for a clinic to call me back to see if I can get an appointment. I don’t know why this is so hard. Its. So. Hard. At least I’m trying now. That’s something.
 

Things I, a Clinically Depressed Individual, Do Not Want to Hear

Its not a secret (although maybe you don’t know) that I suffer from depression. I try to be as open about it as possible because the more people talk about it, the less stigma it should have. I’ll gladly answer questions to help people better understand the struggle. Everyone is different, but there are a lot of things that we have in common. I understand curiosity, but there are some things I hope I just can’t accept

Things I, a Clinically Depressed Individual, Do Not Want to Hear
(In no particular order)

You don’t look depressed

Thank you? I’m not sure exactly what my inner struggle is supposed to look like on the outside. Please know that everything you see on TV is not accurate. Yes, SOME people with depression look terrible. I, like a lot of people, have gotten really good at hiding it. I have struggled with depression since I was 11 which means I have been dealing with this for more than half of my life. In order to make it this far I had to learn to play pretend. I have to be able to maintain a job and that would be hard to do if I let the negativity show on my face all of the time. I’ve spent year perfecting my “everything is okay” face. Think of it in terms of being an actor. If an actor played a role for almost 15 years then they better be pretty damn good at it

Did your parents do something wrong?

No. This is an issue with my brain and not with how I was brought up. My psychiatrist said I could have had the perfect life and I still would have been depressed. I didn’t start admitting that I was depressed to other people until a few years ago so its not like they could have known. As far as they knew I was just another miserable teenager. I didn’t start being open about the illness until a few years ago. I’m pretty sure there are still family members who don’t know. Surprise!

Why are you sad?

I don’t know. There are times when something specific will set me off and there are times when it just happens. 

Just be positive

This one frustrates me a lot. Don’t you think I want to have positive thoughts? I can try to think of happy things as much as I want and it won’t change anything. I describe my depression as a sort of cloud or fog. I wander through not able to see where I’m going and trying not to get hurt. My brain didn’t come with fog lights.

Get over it

Yeah, okay. I’ll just do that since its so easy. I haven’t tried that before. You’re so smart!
Other people have it much worse
This statement makes me feel awful. I am aware that I am a fortunate person. I have a job, I can pay my bills, I have friends, I have a place to live, and I have food to eat. I get that. I feel guilty enough about everything. I don’t need any more guilt or negativity added to my plate. Telling me other people are worse off than I am which means I should be happy makes me feel selfish and stupid. 

Be happy! I don’t like it when you’re sad

That is wonderful for you! Again, if I would turn it off if I could. I learned a long time ago that people don’t like me when I’m sad. Hence why I learned to play pretend. I try to spare my friends from hanging out with Debbie Downer. Sometimes I have to cancel plans at the last minute because I can’t handle the production.  In the beginning I would make up excuses that sounded legitimate. It was exhausting trying to remember all the little excuses so now I tell people that I can’t do it. I understand that it is a natural instinct to ask why, but “I just cant” is your cue to stop asking. Badgering me isn’t helpful

So does that mean you’re going to kill yourself?

No, I am not going to do that. I’m not going to lie to you and tell you I don’t think about it because I think about it every day. I think about how worthless I feel all of the time and I think about how to get it to stop. Then I think about all of the people who would still be alive if they had the choice. I don’t want to be selfish and take my life when I know people who have had theirs stolen. I’ve tried it before and instantly regretted it. I’m not going to go into the story here. If you want to know then you can ask, its not a secret. I am going to keep fighting for now and the foreseeable future. There is too much I have to teach E-Slice about being cute. I can’t be favorite aunt Brittany if I’m not around anymore.

I don’t believe you

I get this reaction more than you would think. I don’t care if you believe me. I wouldn’t make something like this up. Do you know how much better my life would be if I was lying about this? I would have so much energy! I wouldn’t get so exhausted by my job that requires me to be pleasant for eight hours a day. I would be able to find joy in so many more things. I would be able to sleep for more than two hours at a time. I would be able to make decisions. I wouldn’t cry for no reason. It would be awesome if it actually worked like that. Just for the record…it doesn’t

I do want to hear that you’re willing to listen. I need to hear that you won’t hold this against me. It would be nice to hear that you care. I don’t think that’s asking for too much