I'm pretty open about dealing with depression on a regular basis. That’s taking it lightly. I’ve been clinically depressed for more than half of my life even if I didn’t acknowledge it until a few years ago. It has more or less just been something that I deal with on my own because it’s not easy to ask for help. I’ve been through several therapists in the past. The first one was a counselor at the school I attended. I just wanted someone to tell me that I was right all of the time, so I lied to her. Most of what I told her was true, but I embellished at times to make myself look like the good guy. I didn’t really talk to her about anything other than my roommate problems anyway. When I returned home from school I figured I should find someone I could be honest with. I found this woman that accepted my insurance and made an appointment. I think most therapists ask you to talk about yourself and your past so that they can get to know you. I delved right in to the things that happened in my childhood that had gotten me to where I was. The last thing I wanted was someone to look at me with pity and yet that’s what I got from her. I needed support, not someone to tell me how awful my life was. I think we lasted about four sessions. (Side note: she tried to add me on LinkedIn because apparently, she’s some life coach. Give me a break lady.)
I waited a number of months before I decided to find another therapist. I essentially picked the first person listed on the insurance website that was located nearby. She had this office in a building full of offices that was pretty plain. I think she had one painting of a flower as the only decoration. I gave her my background and a bunch of the things that I have been through and her response was, “That’s fucked up!” I don’t know why but it was so refreshing to hear someone say that. We spent months working together and while things seemed okay, something was still off. I had a hard time finding joy in things and knew that it wasn’t the way things should be. Since my therapist was a psychologist and not a psychiatrist, she suggested I ask my primary care doctor about antidepressants. I told my doctor what my therapist recommended and walked away with a prescription and the platitude to change my diet and that might help. The first round of antidepressants was okay. It worked for about a month and a half and then I no longer saw any benefits. I went back to the doctor with this information and she said that I should see a psychiatrist because they would be able to prescribe a better option. I asked my therapist for a recommendation and she gave me the number of a psychiatrist located at the nearby hospital. I spent maybe an hour with the woman and she diagnosed me with clinical depression. She said that the issue is a chemical imbalance in my brain. I could have had a perfect life and I would still be depressed. It just so happens that I didn’t have a perfect life. She prescribed me the generic version of Wellbutrin to try out. In that first month my depression got better but my anxiety spiraled out of control. The next time I spoke with her, she said that increased anxiety was a common side effect, so she prescribed Lexapro as well to help with my anxiety. Taking both of those medicines together led to this weird side effect where my jaw would hurt. I wouldn’t have to be doing anything strenuous and it would throb. The psychiatrist suggested that I take half of a Lexapro pill to see if that made it better, which it did. The pain never fully went away though, so I decided that I didn’t want to take the pills anymore. You aren’t supposed to just stop taking an antidepressant, but I figured that it wouldn’t matter since I hadn’t been taking them long. My therapist wasn’t thrilled about it, but she couldn’t make me take the pills. Shortly after stopping the medicine I got a new job and could no longer fit therapy into my schedule. It wasn’t my brightest move, but at the time I thought I was doing the right thing.
I went years without therapy because by the time I found the time to fit it into my schedule, I didn’t have the greatest insurance. I went through several really dark periods including one where I would cry every night that I needed an antidepressant to make it through. It’s harder than you would think to find a psychiatrist. I had many calls and emails that went unanswered. It’s extremely frustrating to finally admit that you can’t do it on your own and then not be able to find anyone willing to help.
I thought that maybe I could benefit from a remote sort of therapy. One where I didn’t have to travel to be able to talk to someone. I had heard of talkspace on a podcast, but kind of brushed it off. I don’t remember what the final push was, but a few months after hearing about it I decided to give it a shot. When you sign up they give you some questions to sort of asses what kind of therapist would work the best for you. Then they evaluate your answers and give you a selection of four different possibilities. You can read the therapist’s profiles to see if their style matches what you are looking for. The first four I was given didn’t really seem right to me, so I asked to be matched again. I’m not sure if it was a glitch or something that constantly happens, but my second round of four matches included one of the matches from the initial set. That was a little off-putting to me because I already said I didn’t want to work with her. None of the matches seemed like a perfect fit, but I decided to give one of them a try. I’m really glad I did because it has worked out wonderfully for me. I selected the program which makes sure my therapist checks in with me at least once a day. Although on most occasions she will check in twice a day which I really like. I also really like that I don’t have to wait a whole week to be able to talk about something that has happened. It’s harder to remember details if you have to wait days before you can talk about them. As soon as I feel something I can open the app and write to her. We’ve been working on how I deal with my feelings and on being more vulnerable which is harder than it sounds. I highly recommend the service.
I believe that every single person in existence can benefit from therapy and it doesn’t have to mean that something is wrong with you. Everyone needs an impartial person that they can talk to who will tell them when they’ve done something in an unproductive way and support them when they do something right. Let’s be honest here, most of your friends are going to build you up like you’re right even when you’re the one in the wrong. I also support the use of antidepressants if they are helpful to you. I choose not to use them because I’m not good with remembering to take pills and they are pills I would need to take for the rest of my life. I also seem to be really susceptible to side effects, so I don’t want to take any more pills than I have to. That could be a totally made up thing, but I believe it and that’s what matters.
Therapy is a very personal journey and it can take time to find the method that will work with you. Do I wish I didn’t have to try out so many options before finding my ideal fit? Sure, that would have been nice. I’m happy that the options I tried allowed me to figure out exactly what I was looking for. It is not perfect by any means, but for now this is what works for me.