As we work to get my mental health cocktail right, I’m starting to realize some stuff about me and my life. I think I used a stressful job to keep things spicy. I never knew what I would be able to accomplish or what would be thrown at me so it was like a new adventure all the time. Now, I’m starting to feel bored and I’m not a fan.
To be fair, I don’t really have the energy to do anything because I live in a state of fatigue. I’m not sure how I’m getting through each day, but it's a mixture of coffee, stubbornness, and pure sugar. Well, in that case, I do know how I’m getting through the day. There are so many things I wish I could get done and yet at the end of the day, they remain unfinished.
I can admit I’m being hard on myself. I had a nice conversation with my therapist and she made me realize that I am getting many things done. I’m just used to being an overachiever so the fact that I’m doing a normal amount of things makes me feel like a failure. I’ve been sitting on that truth bomb for a few days at this point and it still hasn’t kicked in.
These feelings are not an invitation for drama to come into my life. I want to make sure you are hearing that universe. Please do not throw me any more curveballs than originally planned. We’re good over here. I’ll be reading a book and the main character's boyfriend will do something sweet for her and I have to remind myself of what I have. In the past, I would feel envious, but now I’m able to remind myself of the sweet things my husband does for me. Or the nonsense he puts up with that is my everyday crazy.
I guess the main thing I have realized is that I need to make changes. I need to be intentional in what I’m thinking/planning/doing. That isn’t a bad thing. I could use a little more structure in my brain to really appreciate the life I have been given.