I do?

People are always talking about their engagement stories and how magical their wedding day happened to be. Why don’t we hear about how much effort it took to get there? All the arguments, stress and compromises it took to make their so-called magical day. If I sound a little bitter, it may be because I am. I thought wedding planning would be this special time filled with glitter, rainbows and easy decisions. I didn’t bank on having to take someone else’s thoughts and feelings into consideration. I guess because most of the stories you hear are about brides who map out every detail with a groom who says, “whatever you want dear.” On one hand I’m happy my fiancée wants to be involved, but I’m also annoyed because our visions are so different. I don’t actually have a clear vision at this point. I’m still trying to figure out what I want the day to look like. What I do know is that I have a hard time dropping a large chunk of money for what is the so-called “most important day of my life.” I just don’t see it that way. I see it as one day in a stream of days for the rest of my life. I’m not saying its not an important event because it definitely is. I’m just saying that I wouldn’t label it as the MOST important. The day I realized I loved him is important. The day we have our first baby and those after will be important. The day I finally graduate college will be important. You mean to tell me that 50 years from now I’m supposed to tell my kids that the day I had a big party and signed a piece of paper was more important than the day they entered the world? That does not compute.

There are a lot of things that are important to me that I don’t go dropping $30k on. I think the thing that gets to me the most is the focus on other people. Weddings are basically just a big party to celebrate. I read an article recently that said people use it as an excuse to jack prices up. You can call to check a price for a wedding arrangement and receive one price. Then if you called for the same arrangement and leave the word “wedding” out then it will be almost half the price. Why should I pay a premium for goods just because we’re having a ceremony? Why do I need to throw a party for people I haven’t talked to in years? Why should I care if someone likes the menu I’ve picked out? Shouldn’t I just pick something that suits the taste of the couple? I need answers damn it.

To be quite honest if it was up to me, I would elope, but that isn’t an option. I’m trying very hard to keep my fiancé’s feelings in mind when I try to picture our “big” day because I want us to have a day that we can both be happy with. I’m doing my best to see his side of things as hard as it may be. I understand WHY he wants to celebrate with all our family and friends. I just don’t understand why it must be ALL of them. At this point in my thought process I just want something low-key. I don’t want a massive pomp and circumstance contrary to popular belief. I’m sure people are expecting me to want an over the top day filled with glitter and fanciness. And while I partake in those things daily, that isn’t something I would want on a big scale. I don’t want to spend time stressing over little details. The bigger the wedding, the bigger the headache that will come along with it. I would have to obsess about everything single detail. I know what you’re thinking; I don’t have to obsess over anything. Clearly you don’t understand how my mind works. I guess at the end of the day I’m trying to avoid things that cause my anxiety to spiral because I already have enough issues.

Stay tuned for a completely honest account of wedding planning. Someone has got to tell the truth here.

Updates coming soon

More frequent updates are coming soon!!!

Microaggressions, Party of None Please

It’s crazy how many microaggressions women have to deal with on a daily basis. It’s even crazier that I didn’t realize how many until my boyfriend started not only pointing them out but sticking up for me. I’m a non-confrontational person by nature unless you seriously wrong me. If I feel wronged, then I am going to speak up about it. I’m also the kind of person who is rarely offended. I think that has something to do with not taking things personally. I’m always super hard on myself so when other people say something that would rile the average person, I don’t take it to heart. I don’t know exactly when it happened, but I’ve been conditioned to ignore microaggressions. 

My boyfriend was signing me into his library. Usually the security person uses the picture on my license, but this woman wanted to take a new picture. I smiled for the picture as one does and a man who had been talking to the security guard says, “come on, you can smile prettier than that.” Immediately my boyfriend told him to cut it out. My initial response was to be mad at him for saying something. I told him some battles aren’t worth fighting. Can you believe that? I was upset that he defended my honor and I even wanted to apologize to the people who had to witness him stand up for me. How’s that for being conditioned? I should have thanked him, but I did not. I should have spoken up for myself and yet I did not feel comfortable doing so. My smile is a huge source of insecurity. When I was younger my sisters and I took a picture at the mall to give to my mom. The photographer told my sisters that they better tickle me because I smiled like Frankenstein. First of all, all children have difficulty smiling on cue. Second of all, I was young but old enough to recognize what she was saying. Not cool. Now anytime someone tells me I have a nice smile I take it as a big fuck you to that photographer. The thing about this instance was that I smiled my regular smile. So how dare this man take it upon himself to tell me that I could do better. What I was doing was not pleasing to him and for that I should adjust. No, I will not. 

Another instance is when we went to a deli to get breakfast in my hometown. As we waited to pay for the sandwiches one of the men that worked there looked at me and said “He gave you the morning off from cooking? That’s nice of him.” I just chuckled instead of acknowledging that outdated view. My boyfriend said “we all cook for ourselves so we all had the morning off. That’s why we have you to cook for us.” Again, he stuck up for me and again I wasn’t happy about it. And yet again I wanted to apologize for it. Someone basically tells me my job is to cook for my partner and I wanted to apologize for someone putting them in their place. Looking back, I’m quite flabbergasted at my thought process. As far as we have come in society, there are still people who want to force gender roles on others. Just because I am a woman does not mean I am responsible for all of the cooking. Whether it is a five-course meal or some microwaved soup, men are capable of making a meal or two. I don’t appreciate being told that cooking is essentially all I’m good for. 

Now that I realize how many microaggressions I’ve been ignoring, I’m going to start standing up for myself. I appreciate that someone has been willing to stand up for me when I was not aware enough to do it for myself. We shouldn’t have to ignore the little comments people make because when we do, it signals that they can keep making them. I’m not exactly proud that it took someone else advocating for me to realize this, but better late than never. This ends now. 

Dreams of Bread

I’m gluten free now. I’ll spare you the sordid details of how I got to this point. I actually typed it out, but it’s really boring and even I didn’t want to have to read it again. The abbreviated version is that I’m allergic to wheat and I’m finally doing something about it.

I tried to do research about how to make the transition to gluten free. I looked at Instagram and searched Pinterest as one does when they need to know things. I found a little information that was helpful, but mostly I saw people making these elaborate meals and snacks with bright shining faces. I figured something didn’t add up. Sure, people who have been gluten free for years might be comfortable in their abilities, but where were the people I could commiserate with? Why is everyone so freaking happy? The massive meals were a little discouraging, so I kept putting off more research. Before I knew it the end of May had snuck up on me. I spent the last night of May in Whole Foods going from one end to the other trying to decide what to buy. I read labels, scanned for gluten content (there’s an app for that) and debated with myself about what I was actually going to eat. I got a whole bunch of nothing. I say that because it’s been almost a week and I still have some veggies sitting in the nice paper bag I was given. Clearly if I had wanted to eat them I would have done it by now.

I still spend most of my free time scrolling Instagram to see what people are eating. It’s infuriating, but I can’t stop myself. I’m so glad you had time to make this 27-ingredient dinner Carol. Maybe if you have so much extra time you could help me out. I don’t want to knock the people who make these things just because I’m wracked with envy. I’m envious because I do not have the time or the patience to even attempt them. I’m also super irritable because I’m hungry. I’m constantly hungry and I feel like I’m constantly eating. I read an article about a person who had gone gluten free for a month and she said she started her mornings with a bowl of yogurt and berries. Yogurt and berries?! That’s a side dish for me. I can’t just go from stuffing my face with a bunch of junk to eating a bowl of yogurt as a meal. What kind of super human body does she have? I guess not everyone has a massive stomach (actual stomach, not belly) from years of overeating. Snaps for you. This girl (me) needs something more to eat.

I have not found one blog that talks about the suffering. I cannot be the only person who has suffered through this transition. I know that I’m unique, but I’m not that unique. I crave bread all the time and even dream about it. It calls out to me sometimes. I miss being able to just go into a store and pick something up without studying the label. I’m happy to be eating more fruits and vegetables which are naturally gluten free because I was seriously lacking in veggie content before I started this. I also forget how tasty fruits and veggies are until I’m actually eating them. I would trade all of the vegetables in the world to eat a slice of toast right now. I would pluck every single one out of the hands of babies if I could eat toast without repercussions just once. 

I have to learn how this process is going to work. The past few days have shown me that I need to work on my planning skills. I can’t just leave on the fly anymore. I have to pack the right kind of snacks so that I’m not tempted when I’m out in the world. In the lovely, bread smelling world. I’m going to need someone to complain to because I’m sure the people in my life are going to get tired of it if they aren’t already (hi mom!). Someone tell me I’m not alone here. How am I supposed to go on knowing there are cupcakes going uneaten right this second? Send help!

Photo Credit: Betty Crocker Website (what an adorable form of torture because I can't eat it)

Journey to the Center of the Shrink

I'm pretty open about dealing with depression on a regular basis. That’s taking it lightly. I’ve been clinically depressed for more than half of my life even if I didn’t acknowledge it until a few years ago. It has more or less just been something that I deal with on my own because it’s not easy to ask for help. I’ve been through several therapists in the past. The first one was a counselor at the school I attended. I just wanted someone to tell me that I was right all of the time, so I lied to her. Most of what I told her was true, but I embellished at times to make myself look like the good guy. I didn’t really talk to her about anything other than my roommate problems anyway. When I returned home from school I figured I should find someone I could be honest with. I found this woman that accepted my insurance and made an appointment. I think most therapists ask you to talk about yourself and your past so that they can get to know you. I delved right in to the things that happened in my childhood that had gotten me to where I was. The last thing I wanted was someone to look at me with pity and yet that’s what I got from her. I needed support, not someone to tell me how awful my life was. I think we lasted about four sessions. (Side note: she tried to add me on LinkedIn because apparently, she’s some life coach. Give me a break lady.)

I waited a number of months before I decided to find another therapist. I essentially picked the first person listed on the insurance website that was located nearby. She had this office in a building full of offices that was pretty plain. I think she had one painting of a flower as the only decoration. I gave her my background and a bunch of the things that I have been through and her response was, “That’s fucked up!” I don’t know why but it was so refreshing to hear someone say that. We spent months working together and while things seemed okay, something was still off. I had a hard time finding joy in things and knew that it wasn’t the way things should be. Since my therapist was a psychologist and not a psychiatrist, she suggested I ask my primary care doctor about antidepressants. I told my doctor what my therapist recommended and walked away with a prescription and the platitude to change my diet and that might help. The first round of antidepressants was okay. It worked for about a month and a half and then I no longer saw any benefits. I went back to the doctor with this information and she said that I should see a psychiatrist because they would be able to prescribe a better option. I asked my therapist for a recommendation and she gave me the number of a psychiatrist located at the nearby hospital. I spent maybe an hour with the woman and she diagnosed me with clinical depression. She said that the issue is a chemical imbalance in my brain. I could have had a perfect life and I would still be depressed. It just so happens that I didn’t have a perfect life. She prescribed me the generic version of Wellbutrin to try out. In that first month my depression got better but my anxiety spiraled out of control. The next time I spoke with her, she said that increased anxiety was a common side effect, so she prescribed Lexapro as well to help with my anxiety. Taking both of those medicines together led to this weird side effect where my jaw would hurt. I wouldn’t have to be doing anything strenuous and it would throb. The psychiatrist suggested that I take half of a Lexapro pill to see if that made it better, which it did. The pain never fully went away though, so I decided that I didn’t want to take the pills anymore. You aren’t supposed to just stop taking an antidepressant, but I figured that it wouldn’t matter since I hadn’t been taking them long. My therapist wasn’t thrilled about it, but she couldn’t make me take the pills. Shortly after stopping the medicine I got a new job and could no longer fit therapy into my schedule. It wasn’t my brightest move, but at the time I thought I was doing the right thing.

I went years without therapy because by the time I found the time to fit it into my schedule, I didn’t have the greatest insurance. I went through several really dark periods including one where I would cry every night that I needed an antidepressant to make it through. It’s harder than you would think to find a psychiatrist. I had many calls and emails that went unanswered. It’s extremely frustrating to finally admit that you can’t do it on your own and then not be able to find anyone willing to help. 

I thought that maybe I could benefit from a remote sort of therapy. One where I didn’t have to travel to be able to talk to someone. I had heard of talkspace on a podcast, but kind of brushed it off. I don’t remember what the final push was, but a few months after hearing about it I decided to give it a shot. When you sign up they give you some questions to sort of asses what kind of therapist would work the best for you. Then they evaluate your answers and give you a selection of four different possibilities. You can read the therapist’s profiles to see if their style matches what you are looking for. The first four I was given didn’t really seem right to me, so I asked to be matched again. I’m not sure if it was a glitch or something that constantly happens, but my second round of four matches included one of the matches from the initial set. That was a little off-putting to me because I already said I didn’t want to work with her. None of the matches seemed like a perfect fit, but I decided to give one of them a try. I’m really glad I did because it has worked out wonderfully for me. I selected the program which makes sure my therapist checks in with me at least once a day. Although on most occasions she will check in twice a day which I really like. I also really like that I don’t have to wait a whole week to be able to talk about something that has happened. It’s harder to remember details if you have to wait days before you can talk about them. As soon as I feel something I can open the app and write to her. We’ve been working on how I deal with my feelings and on being more vulnerable which is harder than it sounds. I highly recommend the service.

I believe that every single person in existence can benefit from therapy and it doesn’t have to mean that something is wrong with you. Everyone needs an impartial person that they can talk to who will tell them when they’ve done something in an unproductive way and support them when they do something right. Let’s be honest here, most of your friends are going to build you up like you’re right even when you’re the one in the wrong. I also support the use of antidepressants if they are helpful to you. I choose not to use them because I’m not good with remembering to take pills and they are pills I would need to take for the rest of my life. I also seem to be really susceptible to side effects, so I don’t want to take any more pills than I have to. That could be a totally made up thing, but I believe it and that’s what matters. 

Therapy is a very personal journey and it can take time to find the method that will work with you. Do I wish I didn’t have to try out so many options before finding my ideal fit? Sure, that would have been nice. I’m happy that the options I tried allowed me to figure out exactly what I was looking for. It is not perfect by any means, but for now this is what works for me.

Run for the Wild

Did you know that you can run a race at the zoo? I mean that you can do it as an organized event. I don’t recommend just running around the zoo because that might cause a panic and get you thrown out. Months and months ago I saw an advertisement for Run for the Wild. It is a 5K/ family run at the Bronx zoo. I had been wanting to get back into running (not that I ever did it for very long) and had convinced my boyfriend to train with me. I figured this would be perfect because how could he turn down a chance to be at his favorite place, the zoo. We were supposed to start training in January, but I underestimated how much school would drain from my body. It sucked every extra ounce of energy I had after work. The last thing I wanted to do after slaving over homework was to subject myself to running. I know I’m being dramatic, but am I really? Probably. Each week we would say we were going to train as the clock kept ticking closer to the race. We trained a total of 1 time, so you can imagine how excited I was for the race. In the week leading up to the race I gently suggested that we participate in the family portion of the event so we could walk instead of run. I had all of the arguments ready even though I didn’t need them. He wasn’t too thrilled about running either as it turns out.

Of course, when you need to be somewhere early the subways have to be all messed up. We had to take 3 trains to get there. It ended up being worth it because if you don’t hear a man shout “The only way it could be better is if you were sitting on my face” into a phone at 7am, are you really living? 

We made our way to the zoo and I was shocked by the number of people in attendance. I’m not sure why, I just assumed that there wouldn’t be that many people. We checked in, got our t-shirts and took a picture with a tiger.

We hadn’t put on the shirts because we thought it would be too much

Being the gigantic child that I am, I suggested that we get our faces painted. Since my boyfriend is my ideal match, he suggested that we get matching pictures which set my little heart a flutter. We decided it was time to put on our official shirts, so we could match even more. While waiting in line we got to play with the thousands of bubbles that were floating around. Some of the bubbles has smoke in them which was pretty cool. I wanted us to get painted by the same person, but the woman directing the line was a little difficult. We had a color scheme picked out so that would just have to do. The finished result was pretty cool and we ended up looking similar enough

Sorry not sorry we're so cute

The race (walk) itself wasn’t too bad. It was a little bit annoying getting stuck behind slower people because I naturally walk fast. It’s not like I could politely push them out of the way because pushing children is frowned upon. We got to see a lot more animals than I expected just walking around the zoo. The walk itself wasn’t bad, but after the second mile I was starving and I’m not such a great person when I’m hungry. It’s like I transform into this demanding beast and the real me is stuck inside watching it stomp all over everything. This also happens when I need to pee in case you were wondering why I won’t stop for conversation on my way to the restroom. At this point I started feeling like this walk would never end and I would expire on this path. Just when I was about to give up and accept my fate (I was born this dramatic I swear), We reached the 3-mile marker and hit the home stretch. I got a bagel at the finish line and returned to my natural human state. Kudos to my boyfriend for putting up with my nonsense the entire way. 

The first stop after feeding my face was to the rock wall. It was included with the registration, so I talked a big game about making sure I did it. The only problem is I’m terrified of heights. It’s so bad that I don’t even like being in tall buildings. I barely look out of my window and I only live on the third floor. I felt completely fine until I had to walk up to the attendant in my harness. She said that I would climb to the top and then hit the button. After that I was to hold on to the loop thingy with both hands and slowly come down. In normal situations I would have asked what I should do if I can’t make it all the way to the top because of fear. However, I knew that if I asked then I would never make it to the top. During my entire climb I kept telling myself that I was going to die. I said that the entire thing was going to fall over and crush me. About halfway up I had trouble finding pegs and the attendant kept yelling to me where they were. Each time I would step higher I’d imagine my untimely demise. In that same breath I would try to tell myself that no one had died yet here today so maybe I would be okay. Before I knew it (felt like hours) I was at the top. I rang the stupid bell and then I let go. I’m no small girl so I also worried that the thing would break, and I would plummet to my death. It’s amazing that all of this only took about 10 minutes, not even. Afterwards I had such an adrenaline rush because I could not believe I had done it. I literally kept saying it every 5-10 minutes in case my boyfriend had forgotten what I’d just done. We celebrated with the beer garden and cannoli. I’m not sure why they thought cannoli and beer go together, but I wasn’t going to complain.

I didn't take a picture, but it pretty much looked like this

Overall it was a pretty cool experience for a great cause. Who else can say they ran for the wild? (besides the thousands of people who were at the event and in years past. Humor me)

Advice Uninvited

This whole mommy shaming thing has got to stop! I’m speaking as a person who is not yet a mom but takes care of a tiny human who looks similarly enough to be mistaken for my daughter. When did it become okay to tell a complete stranger how to parent their child? We need to go back and time and smack the person who deemed it okay. Yes, my tiny human is crying to get out of the stroller in CVS. Yes, it would make her quiet down if I let her out. However, I don’t have the time to chase her around the store. I can guarantee you that the second those straps come down she will take off. It has happened enough for me to put my foot down. See, I know that because I’ve been there. You, complete stranger, have no prior knowledge of what happens with us in this store. I don’t need your remedies for how to alleviate the redness on her face. She is a child with a runny nose and we have been out in the cold. It is just something that happens. Maybe I already know what to do to fix it. Maybe I have already put the ointment on there while she naps because otherwise she will lick it off. If I asked for some suggestions then I would welcome your opinion, but I did not so step off. Yesterday I had a man tell me that my tiny human should be wearing a scarf, but he “didn’t want to say anything.” Cleary you did want to say something sir. Have you ever tried to put a scarf on a two year old? Guess what! If she doesn’t want to wear it, she will pull it off. I could spend a half hour fighting with her OR I could go about my day. If she’s going to get sick there isn’t anything I can do to stop it. Germs are everywhere.

I cannot imagine trying to tell strangers how to live their lives. Does no one else think about how it would feel to constantly be told how to do something you know how to do? Look, if you want to cut your child’s grapes into fourths so they have a smaller risk of choking then you go right ahead and do that. Don’t pass judgement on me because I don’t have time to do that. The guidelines say to cut them in half and that is good enough. Even if I didn’t, I’m trained in CPR and the Heimlich, so she’ll be just fine. If you are not purposely bringing harm to your child, then you should be able to parent them as you please without all of the added commentary. Don’t you have anything better to do with your time? 

I Pay the Bills Round Here

I have been going back and forth about what content I should be putting on my website. I’ve been torn because while I have not been sure exactly who I am trying to appease. I’m an adult that wears bows so ideally, I am making them for other adults who want to wear them too. I wouldn’t mind if someone wanted to buy one of my bows for their child. I mean that would be pretty great as well. I guess I kind of thought if the blog portion of the website talked about something sexual or used profanity that someone might not want to make a purchase. I’m realizing right at this very second how dumb that is. I don’t mean the choice. Hey, you can choose to do or not do whatever you want. I mean the fact that I have been worried that maybe my words or opinions might cost me a sale. This is my website and I can write whatever I feel like. I have not made any promises to think or act a certain way. This is one of the places I should be the most comfortable being myself. Honestly, I started making bows as a way to relieve the stress of everyday life. If I can share how much I love them with another person, then that is amazing! But if no one wants to buy one then that’s great too because the bows have served their purpose. I can’t worry myself trying to be everyone’s cup of tea. Maybe you like chamomile or maybe you like green. Personally, I will continue to be my cup of minty tea loaded with sugar and edible glitter on top.

Time to Break Up...with Your Phone

I’ve noticed a new trend where people are getting into relationships with their phones and it’s a little troubling. I can understand the draw of it because technology is amazing. These phones have almost everything you could want at the tip of your fingers and for some people that’s enough. Who wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone or something that meets all of your needs. The issue is that while you’re romancing your phone, you are missing out on real social connection.

Sure, you can keep in touch with people far and wide with your phone and social media. I think that’s great, but what about the people that are physically around you? They are getting neglected so you can check the latest update on Facebook. Is it really necessary to see what’s on your timeline while you’re out to dinner? No, probably not.

I recently read an article where someone wrote that their significant other was cheating on them. They weren’t cheating with another person; they were cheating with their phone. I can understand how they would feel that way. Phones are great in that they give you something to do in an awkward situation. You may be waiting by yourself for someone to arrive or return from stepping away. Many people employ this tactic in order to avoid awkward eye contact with strangers, myself included. Sometimes I wonder how much I’m missing out on by completely ignoring strangers and staring down at my phone. Maybe I’ve missed out on someone who could be a great friend. Maybe I’ve missed out on someone who wanted to compliment my amazing bows. Chances are I would have scared them away with my awkward demeanor, but who knows. Phones can turn into the third person in a relationship if you aren’t careful. They join you at dinner, while watching a movie and even in the bedroom.

This overwhelming phone love poses a question of can we really not just sit in someone’s company? Do we have to scroll to find out what everyone else is doing when we have a perfectly nice person sitting right in front of us? We may be hurting ourselves with this constant connection to information.  You can’t be an active listener while staring at words and pictures on your phone. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to keep talking to someone who isn’t really listening.

I’ve been contemplating these things a lot recently and of course I’m guilty of it too. If I’m hanging out with multiple friends and they start talking about something I know nothing about, I’ll whip out my phone so I’ll have something to do. So instead of potentially learning something new about my friends, I am off somewhere else mentally. I also pull my phone out as a reaction to other people. If it’s just the two of us and you whip out your phone, I am going to take mine out too. I feel awkward just sitting there with someone when they’re staring at their phone. It makes me feel as though my company isn’t enough. I don’t like feeling like that and I’m sorry if I’ve ever made anyone feel that way. I don’t want to be that person anymore.

We should be mindful and present when we are spending time with the people in our lives. I’m not saying you can’t respond to messages, but maybe you can wait to find out what sally smith in another state is doing until you’re alone. While you’re checking in with her you are missing out what’s happening right in front of you.

Instructions Not Included

I'm currently trying to figure out a way to navigate a relationship without letting my depression take over. This is the first relationship I have been in since I came to terms with my mental illness a few years ago. This is a big adjustment for me because now I have to consider someone else’s feelings when I make decisions. Okay well, I don’t HAVE to consider someone else’s feelings, but I’ve started doing it automatically. I don’t  think of it as a bad thing; its just different.

Right now we’re in the process of meeting each others friends which should be great. The issue I’m having stems from my social anxiety which makes me kind of awkward. Meeting new people completely throws me off of my game. It can be worse when I know I’ll have to see the person again. Add in the desire for them to like me and it makes me a big bundle of nerves. I’m sure its not out of the ordinary for someone to be super nervous, but its pretty new for me. I usually don’t have a problem talking about myself, yet in these situations I feel really awkward about it. I fall into self deprecating mode and think that nothing I do is worth mentioning. I’ve been in sort of a standstill lately and I don’t know the right way to describe it to other people. I’m not sure how open I should be about it. I mean how would you feel if the first time you meet someone they say, “I really like to create things, but I haven’t done that in a while because I suffer from clinical depression and my dark cloud wont let me”. Some might find that to be a little unsettling. 

I’m sure I am overthinking this way more than I need to. I’m not sure how I should be handling this. Every situation has its own little quirks so is there a right way to do this? I’m a little out of my league here.